Creating Moments

I was scrolling through some of the sites I follow on social media and I came across this gem: You create your year in every moment. What will you create in 2016?

EXACTLY. Doing epic shit. Creating moments that will create my year.

The other day on my Facebook page I posted about my 40 for 40 and asked my friends - the incredible, collective Hive Mind that is able to see things in such different ways - what they would have on their list, or what they would suggest I have on mine.

• something I've always been afraid to do or afraid of - resolving to face it
• a mission trip
• Bop to the Top
• a Boston sports event - seeing a game in a new venue or a team I haven't seen yet
• visit New England more often
• go trapezing
• "take a trip to, say, mid-north California region"
• stretch my introversion by saying something uplifting to a complete stranger each day but making sure that whatever I choose to say is genuine

This list made me realize a couple of things: 

I need to consider what is financially feasible and makes the most sense for my family. I would love to participate as part of a mission trip but I'm not sure financially it will make sense for me this year. I'm going to explore this more in depth before making a decision. 

There are things that are going to have to go on a bucket list. I desperately wanted to complete an Iron Man 70.3 the year I turned 40. I suppose that means I have until May of 2017 to check this off but given that I'm still not able to run or swim after being rear-ended this summer I'm not optimistic that this will happen before the end of 2016. With that is the Bop to the Top. This is an event, 500 feet straight up the AUL building here in Indianapolis, that I always told myself i would complete but it takes place on January 16 and I'm in no condition to take that on right now. 

There are things that I should just do anyway - like take a trip to the mid-north California region to visit my dear childhood friend, Aaron and his family. Aaron and I met the summer of 1993 at a national environmental competition and though our conversation and texting has ranged from sporadic to more regular throughout the years, he remains an important part of my life. 

That leaves me with resolving to do something that I've always been afraid to do or been afraid of, make more trips back to New England, see a Boston sports event, going trapezing and stretching my introversion. 

1. What have I always been afraid to do, or been afraid of and can I resolve to face it? Saying "I love you," to those who mean the most to me. At some point in my life - I don't know when or why - a wall went up and saying those words to people became incredibly difficult if not impossible. I'll be getting ready to say goodbye to someone I haven't seen in a while or genuinely care about and the words float through my head as if I'm hoping they can understand this by osmosis or ESP. There's a good chance some of you reading this have stood opposite of me and I have desperately wanted to find the courage to tell you that I love you - I know life is short and tomorrow is never guaranteed, but I become paralyzed by some force that doesn't allow me to form the words. So this, this is on my list. 

2. Making more trips back to New England: I want to make 1 trip back to New England with my girls on my own and I'm targeting their fall break of the 2016-2017 school year. After driving back last summer on my own I know I can do it, but I've been holding myself back for the security of having The Other Half (aka husband) go with me. It's time for me to start making this drive on my own. 

November/December at Gillette

3. See a Boston sports event: I was fortunate enough to check off a long standing bucket list item at the end of 2015 - seeing the Patriots play at Foxboro and I was fortunate enough to do so with my good friend, dear friend, Leo. With that off the list, that leaves me with the Bruins or maybe seeing the Red Sox play in a venue that is not Fenway. A long time ago I had a dream of visiting all the major league ball parks in the United States by going when the Red Sox were playing. I've been to Fenway. Milwaukee, and Seattle - maybe this year I can add Chicago to that list. More to come. 

4. Going trapezing: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. If not trapezing, maybe skydiving? Skydiving and trapezing are both perfect examples of where my comfort level is with my feet firmly planted on the ground and I don't have to trust a stranger to keep me safe. I have to think about this more, but I also know something like this needs to be on my list.

5. Stretching my introversion: yes. yes. yes. I don't know as I'll get this perfect every day to start, but I can work towards doing more than I did yesterday - and then the day after hope to be better than the day before. Thing is, when I'm in a work situation or in a situation where I'm forced to shed my protective shell I can do it - but left to my own devices I'd rather stay sheltered like a turtle. So yes, this is on my list. 

The one other thing that I can say with 100% certainty is on my list is putting my phone aside and be more present. This comes as a direct request from my 5 year old Munchkin who got upset the other day when I was responding to an email and not paying attention to her. It was a work email, but she's right - digitally, between Facebook and Snapchat and Twitter and Instagram I'm far too distracted. Life is happening in front of me. Moments are happening in front of me and there are times when I know that I'm likely too distracted to fully appreciate them for what they are. I think this means that I need to come up with my own set of guidelines for cell and computer use when at home and make a promise to The Munchkin and The Oldest (who is 10) that attention to the phone will be less and attention to them will be more. 

Speaking of... I hear laughter upstairs. That's my cue to go.

Welcome to 2016!

January 1, 2016

Lordy, lordy! I'm gonna be 40! Not for a few months yet.

Specifically: 5

But I'm aware that I'm closer to 40 than I am 39 and to me this doesn't feel like just another birthday. It's not something I'm dreading or I'm particularly anxious about because time marches on and we get older - that's just the way things work. However, I am slowly resigning myself to the fact that at some point I'm going to have to stop plucking the silver strands that appear on my head like dandelions do overnight in my back yard AND that I have to hold objects with smaller print away from me if I want to read them. But when I really think about turning 40, really spent a moment in silence to figure out where I'm at, I'm okay with it. 

Thing is, I also want to make this a year - the year I leave my 30s behind and usher in my 40s - a great one. How I make it a great one is something I don't really know yet because I'm still trying to figure out why I feel this way. 

It's been hard to describe, but in the past when I've had difficulty putting a finger on a tangled mess of thoughts, feelings and emotions my therapist has taken me through a "tapestry" exercise. Just like individual threads of a tapestry come together, the questions she leads me through help to weave a better picture of what I'm looking at. This is what I mentally walked myself through:

Where is it located? In the core of my body - centered in my abdomen, above my hips and spreading up through my ribs toward my shoulders.

If it had a shape, what would the shape be? A fluid sphere like one of those orbs of water you see floating around in zero gravity. It wobbles and spreads and then comes back to center.

If it had a color, what would the color be? The palest of blue, almost clear, with a glowing white light pulsing from within. 

If it had a voice, what would it say? Do epic shit. 

Before you go thinking that this means I'm going to take up sky diving or hike solo along the AT (but who knows, maybe I will) you should know that the more I've thought about what "epic shit" is the more I have become aware that it's about me pushing my own personal boundaries to better myself as a wife, mother, friend, employee, coworker... To be a better person overall to be able to leave the world a little better than when I arrived. I'm still working hard to become the person I know I'm capable of becoming (another story for another time) but I'm not the person I was 6 years ago and I'm better today than I was yesterday. But to do that I have to grow, and to grow I need to be able to do this:

I've seen this before - the magic happens outside of your comfort zone. And I know it's true, but being an introverted creature of habit the thought of this can be paralyzing. I'm the girl who is at a party but doesn't speak not because I don't want to be social, but because I'm painfully shy and feel incredibly awkward. 

So where does this leave me? 

I've decided to create a list of 40 things - gestures, behaviors, bucket list, random, intentional, one offs and longer processes - that I want to complete before December 31, 2016. Throughout this week I'm going to think about what these 40 things should be and try to be mindful of the meaning, if any, behind my choices. I hope to have them committed to paper (or blog) by the end of this week and then start in on my 40 for 40 soon after.

And I'm going to keep my thoughts about it all here. More for my own personal reasons because I type far faster than I am able to write things out by hand, but I hope that those who know me will walk with me and be a part of my journey through the next 365 days. 

Wishing you all peace, happiness and health in 2016!