Welcome to 2016!

January 1, 2016

Lordy, lordy! I'm gonna be 40! Not for a few months yet.

Specifically: 5

But I'm aware that I'm closer to 40 than I am 39 and to me this doesn't feel like just another birthday. It's not something I'm dreading or I'm particularly anxious about because time marches on and we get older - that's just the way things work. However, I am slowly resigning myself to the fact that at some point I'm going to have to stop plucking the silver strands that appear on my head like dandelions do overnight in my back yard AND that I have to hold objects with smaller print away from me if I want to read them. But when I really think about turning 40, really spent a moment in silence to figure out where I'm at, I'm okay with it. 

Thing is, I also want to make this a year - the year I leave my 30s behind and usher in my 40s - a great one. How I make it a great one is something I don't really know yet because I'm still trying to figure out why I feel this way. 

It's been hard to describe, but in the past when I've had difficulty putting a finger on a tangled mess of thoughts, feelings and emotions my therapist has taken me through a "tapestry" exercise. Just like individual threads of a tapestry come together, the questions she leads me through help to weave a better picture of what I'm looking at. This is what I mentally walked myself through:

Where is it located? In the core of my body - centered in my abdomen, above my hips and spreading up through my ribs toward my shoulders.

If it had a shape, what would the shape be? A fluid sphere like one of those orbs of water you see floating around in zero gravity. It wobbles and spreads and then comes back to center.

If it had a color, what would the color be? The palest of blue, almost clear, with a glowing white light pulsing from within. 

If it had a voice, what would it say? Do epic shit. 

Before you go thinking that this means I'm going to take up sky diving or hike solo along the AT (but who knows, maybe I will) you should know that the more I've thought about what "epic shit" is the more I have become aware that it's about me pushing my own personal boundaries to better myself as a wife, mother, friend, employee, coworker... To be a better person overall to be able to leave the world a little better than when I arrived. I'm still working hard to become the person I know I'm capable of becoming (another story for another time) but I'm not the person I was 6 years ago and I'm better today than I was yesterday. But to do that I have to grow, and to grow I need to be able to do this:

I've seen this before - the magic happens outside of your comfort zone. And I know it's true, but being an introverted creature of habit the thought of this can be paralyzing. I'm the girl who is at a party but doesn't speak not because I don't want to be social, but because I'm painfully shy and feel incredibly awkward. 

So where does this leave me? 

I've decided to create a list of 40 things - gestures, behaviors, bucket list, random, intentional, one offs and longer processes - that I want to complete before December 31, 2016. Throughout this week I'm going to think about what these 40 things should be and try to be mindful of the meaning, if any, behind my choices. I hope to have them committed to paper (or blog) by the end of this week and then start in on my 40 for 40 soon after.

And I'm going to keep my thoughts about it all here. More for my own personal reasons because I type far faster than I am able to write things out by hand, but I hope that those who know me will walk with me and be a part of my journey through the next 365 days. 

Wishing you all peace, happiness and health in 2016!